


the healing in trying

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Fluff and Humor, Happy Ending, Library AU, M/M, Mental Health Issues, soft, student life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28319448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: Ben gets a burnout, and decides to change careers because of it, ending up working in a library.Callum is an overworked and overcaffeinated student who studies in the library and increasingly worries Ben about his general wellbeing.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 27
Kudos: 81





	the healing in trying

There’s a loud sigh coming from the other side of the room.

Ben stills, his back straightening. It’s strange, because Ben’s sure he was alone just a moment ago.

He puts the books he was holding back down on the cart and listens intently for a moment. 

Nothing.

He goes back to the books, trying to remember where he was.

Ben’s been working in the library for almost half a year now. It’s kind of funny; whenever he tells someone he hasn’t seen in a while that this is what he does now, they never believe him.

_ Yes, really, an actual library. _

_ No, it’s not a front for a drug dealing business.  _

_ Yes, it pays worse than being a criminal. _

But it’s been great, despite Ben’s initial hesitance.

He was so ready to miss the fast pace of the Mitchell family business, the unpredictability, the rush of adrenaline. The status, if he’s honest. The feeling of walking into a room and knowing you’re the one in charge. Never mind that it didn’t always work out that way.

But Ben got tired, more than a year ago. Really tired, in fact.

Not, ‘I’ve been too busy and working too hard’ tired, but ‘I don’t think I can get out of bed for the next three months’ kind of tired. Staring out the window and feeling empty kind of tired.

It became hard to connect to his surroundings. Jay and Lola, Lexi, his mum, his other family suddenly just became passersby, passing through Ben like he wasn’t even there. 

Ben often felt like he didn’t truly exist. Yeah, he was technically alive, but he wasn’t  _ present. _

Like he wasn’t actually on earth but also not in heaven, instead floating aimlessly somewhere in between.

Things seemed to happen  _ to _ him, instead of Ben actively doing things.

It was such a strange and abrupt loss of control that Ben spiralled, and after months of watching in agony, his mum dropped the word ‘burn-out’ on him.

_ You don’t seem like yourself, love _ .

I don’t think I am myself. I don’t think I know how to do that anymore. How’s that possible? I used to do that without thinking about it and now I don’t recognize the person in the mirror and I can’t figure out how to get him back.

_ I barely feel like I can get through to you these days _ .

Nothing really reaches me anymore. I don’t know where this barrier came from but I’m screaming from the inside and you can’t hear me. Nobody can. And I see everyone trying so hard but I don’t feel it. 

_ Maybe you should talk to someone _ .

Ben’s reluctance and, frankly, anger at that suggestion was quick. He scoffed; like this wasn’t something he could just fix by himself. It’ll blow over, please stop making this out to be some big revelation. 

“I am alright mum, I’m just working out some stuff by myself I think. I’ll be fine.”

But his mother’s eyes had welled up with tears, her voice shaking as she admitted she was scared for him, and Ben had grabbed her cold hands from across the table and held them, promising to book a single appointment with a counsellor.

He’d gone to see her three times in the end.

He’d been honest about not really wanting to go to a counsellor in the first place, not really believing that he needed it, and she’d smiled and nodded like she knew something he didn’t. 

But the counsellor was probably more patient and caring with him than he deserved, especially for someone who sat down and immediately told her he wasn’t planning on sticking around for too long.

Ben didn’t know if you could speedrun therapy, but he did it anyway.

It didn’t take her long to get to the sore spots.

“Ben I feel like,” she’d said during their second appointment, “from what you told me last time, that most of the things in your life are tied in some way to your family, especially your dad. Correct?”

He’d nodded. “Yeah, I’d say so. That’s what you get with a family business I s’pose.”

She’d hummed. “Yes. But not just that, you live near your family, you see them everyday. I think it’d be good for you to have something in your life that is your own, no one else's. Something you’re doing just for you, not to please someone else.”

Counter arguments about how he works  _ with _ his dad but definitely not  _ for _ his dad bubbled up, but Ben bit his tongue. 

“If you want to regain some stability in your life, I think it’d be good for you to work on something that’s yours only. Something no one from your family can interfere with. It will give you more control over the situation.”

At their last appointment she talked about what she thinks would be good for Ben going forward, what would help him get out of the dark hole he’s found himself in. 

“It doesn’t have to be anything special, just make sure it makes you feel good, that’s enough. If it’s yours and no one else’s, that’s when you’ll grow from it.” Also something about how she really thinks more sessions would be beneficial, and how her door is always open but that kind of goes over Ben’s head.

He does start looking online. He’d already stopped working for the Mitchell business. As soon as he started feeling bad, he couldn’t cope anymore. 

Something local would probably be good, but he doesn’t want to risk running into any familiar faces. 

His skills aren’t necessarily limited but the amount of diplomas or documents Ben has to show for it are, so Ben keeps his search narrow. He stumbles onto a local Walford message board, and finds a post from the Walford library, just far away enough from the square that it doesn’t immediately scare Ben away. The person who usually runs it is trying to ease into retirement, and they need someone to start taking over.

And there he was. 

The library closest to the square is an old building, renovated a decade ago. High ceilings, dark wooden beams and walls, black carpeted floors. 

It’s big too; rows and rows of big bookcases, the one at the back wall reaching almost all the way up. There’s one of those fancy ladders on wheels resting against it.

On the walls are a few candlestick holders here and there, which they’re only allowed to use with LED powered candlesticks. 

There’s long tables in the middle, a few with computers but most without. Behind Ben’s desk is the kids corner, with plush toys and bean bags.

All in all, not the ugliest place Ben has ever worked.

Probably the quietest, though. 

It’s not the library local students come to visit, most of them go to the one actually on the uni grounds.    
  


Instead, Ben’s regulars include many elderly people, who come in the mornings to read newspapers in silence, toddlers who are either over the moon with being in a library or couldn’t imagine a worst place to be but are being dragged along by their mums, the occasional adult looking for a book that’s either way too new to be in a library or way too specific, teenagers who have presumably used up all of their screen time at home and have therefore resorted to the computers in the library and some twenty-somethings who are working on a book, essay, or opinionated piece that won’t get published anywhere ever. 

It’s just the right amount of social interaction on a daily basis, Ben has found. He can handle it, enjoys it most days even if he won’t admit it out loud. 

There’s days when he comes home energized, and days when he’s completely drained by the time he lets himself fall onto his bed. It took a while to grow on him, but it’s a quiet pocket of the world where he can try to pick up the pieces and put himself back together again.

Hopefully.

There’s a noise again, shuffling, coming from the same direction as before, and this time Ben decides to have a look. He walks past the rows of bookcases in a straight line toward his desk despite not needing to be there. 

There’s a man sitting at one of the big tables, a laptop opened in front of him and a plethora of papers spread out in such a chaotic way Ben’s not entirely sure he knows what he’s looking at. 

Ben awkwardly stands by his desk, pretending to look for something he doesn’t need, and the man must feel Ben’s gaze on him and the presence of another human being, because he looks up, startled.

His eyes are bright blue, matching with the light blue button up he’s wearing. His brown hair is softly swept to the side and there’s a rosy flush to his cheeks and the bridge of his nose from coming in through the cold. 

“Oh hi,” the stranger says then, looking down at the clutter on the table and sheepishly smiling at Ben. Ben smiles back. “Hi.”

The stranger goes back to hastily flipping through random sheets of paper, apparently looking for something he can’t find, and Ben decides to go back to work as well. 

Ben huffs a light laugh when he passes him by, a soft frustrated sound coming from beside him. 

He finishes sorting the books on his cart and then walks past his desk to the small back room, letting the door fall almost shut behind him. Ben flicks the kettle on and grabs his phone as he waits for the water to boil. 

There’s a small gap, where the door isn’t fully closed, and flustered presumably student stranger is reading something on his laptop screen, eyes moving way too rapidly to be actually taking something in, before sighing deeply and shutting the laptop all together. 

He moves his hands over his face, and Ben notices the veins on the backs of them, more prominent because of the comfortable warmth inside. 

The kettle dings and Ben startles. The stranger looks up at the noise as well, and Ben busies himself with making his tea.

  
  


Ben is sitting at the front desk when the stranger gives up on studying and stands up to leave. 

He slows down when he’s near the desk, awkwardly raising a hand at Ben. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Anything I can help you with?” Ben says, honestly more instinct and habit than anything else. 

The stranger sighs and leans a hand against the wooden front of the desk, like he’s genuinely thinking about it. 

“I don’t know, finding the will to live?” He jokes dryly, and Ben quirks an eyebrow in amusement. 

“See ya,” the stranger throws over his shoulder as he walks out.

Later, when Ben walks by the previously occupied table, he notices something on the floor by one of the table legs. A pass. He picks it up and turns it over.

It’s from the nearby university.

Callum Highway.

It’s a couple of days later when the stranger returns. Ben wonders if he’s come back to collect his university pass, or if he hasn’t even noticed that it’s missing at all. 

  
  


He greets Ben as he walks by the front desk and then takes a seat in the exact same spot as before. Ben presses his lips together as he notices the coffee cup next to his laptop.

Beverages and/or food really aren’t allowed in the library. Water, sure. But anything other than that will usually result in someone knocking something over and Ben having to scrub the carpeted floor for way longer than he has the energy to. 

“Erm,” Ben starts, working towards telling the stranger - Callum - off, but then Callum looks up and there’s dark grey shadows underneath his eyes, his eyelids and the area underneath his eyes slightly puffy like he hasn’t gotten enough sleep in about a week and Ben stops himself. 

“Eh, let me know if you need anything.” Ben finishes lamely, and the stranger gives him a soft smile and nods.

Ben turns around in his chair and closes his eyes, annoyed at himself. He remembers what happened last time, some drink that barely resembled coffee, more sugar than anything, whipped cream that got stuck in the carpet because the offender didn’t tell Ben and he only found out hours later.

But Ben turns around and Callum catches his eye, and Ben can’t bring himself to say anything. He may be disorganized in every possible way but Callum’s hands clutch the coffee cup with a tight grip like letting it out of his sight will make it disappear, eyes closed as he swallows a sip. He looks at it like it contains a life force he desperately needs, and Ben smiles an amused smile to himself. 

It’ll be fine.

Callum sticks around longer this time, and he actually manages to get some work done by the looks of it.

It’s sort of nice, like you’re with a friend who  _ also _ has work to do, and you keep each other going in the same steady rhythm.

There’s a few customers here and there but they don’t stay for long, and Ben manages to do some things he’s been putting off for weeks.

It’s at the end of the afternoon, when Callum is  _ still _ there, that Ben’s eye falls on the university pass tucked away in the corner of his desk, and he picks it up and slowly makes his way over.

“You dropped this the other day,” Ben says, placing the card in front of Callum who slowly looks up from his laptop, perking up when he sees the pass.

“Ah thanks, you’re a lifesaver.”

It’s probably a throwaway comment but it sounds sincere, and Callum looks so genuinely relieved to have something removed from his probably overflowing pile of stress that Ben feels himself blush a little bit.

“No problem.” Ben’s about to walk back when he opens his mouth again.

“I’m, I’m Ben, by the way.” Callum blinks kind of blankly at him and Ben hurries to explain himself.

“I mean, only seems fair now that I know your name right?” Ben bites the inside of his cheek, embarrassment filling his body. 

Callum smiles at him, small and slightly teasing, and Ben swallows thickly.

“Nice to meet you Ben,” Callum nods at him, “I might be around for the foreseeable future, at least until my exams are over or I’ve dropped out.”

Ben huffs a light laugh. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Callum doesn’t look too convinced of that, but he soldiers on nonetheless, and Ben gets back to work as well. 

Before Callum leaves that afternoon, he asks Ben for a book. He looks it up in the system but they don’t have it. Callum nods and says it’s okay but his face says he  _ actually _ needs it.

Ben has a spare hour before the library closes, in which he can’t really be bothered to do any actual work. He watches as the sky darkens, mindlessly clicking around on his computer before opening his search history.

The book Callum had asked for has something to do with economics and business, and Ben reads the synopsis to try and understand what it’s about specifically. 

He doesn’t really understand it, which annoys him to no end but then he finds a few reviews that mention some other books similar to this one, and apparently just as helpful.

Two of them Ben  _ does _ have. He walks over to the bookcases and sets them apart.

When Callum walks in again the next morning, Ben’s already placed the books at his usual seat.

He watches from behind the desk as Callum picks them up, turns them over and reads the text on the back, a growing smile on his face.

Callum takes a break around lunchtime, and when he returns he’s holding two cups of takeaway coffee in his hands. He stands still in front of the desk and opens his hand slowly, letting several packets of sugar and creamer fall out of it, placing one of the cups of coffee next to it.

“I don’t know how you take it,” he smiles sheepishly, and Ben huffs out a laugh.

“This is fine, thank you.”

“Thanks for the books.”

Ben hides the heat in his cheeks behind his coffee cup.

It becomes a pleasant rhythm. Callum’s there nearly every day, sometimes a few hours, sometimes for a whole day with only a small break in between. 

Every now and then they chat, and Ben comes to the stark realization that the exhausted overworked student who visits his library is probably the only new friend he’s made in years.

Ben drops a book one time and Callum wordlessly picks it up and hands it over to him.

Callum sneezes four times in a row and Ben blesses him every time, an amused smile on his lips. 

One time, someone calls the library just before closing time and asks for a book they don’t have, and won’t take no for an answer. Ben tries to stay calm, tries to not get angry but he’s never been good at controlling his temper. “I’m really sorry sir but we don’t have that book. I could check for you if another library close by has it. No, I can’t then pick it up for you, I’m sorry. That’s not-” The person on the phone gets heated, tells Ben they’re not a good library if they don’t have the book he needs, and Ben’s about to snap back when he catches Callum’s eye. He’s holding up his notebook, big black marker across the sheet of paper. 

“ _ What a dickhead _ ”. Ben bites his lip and smiles, nodding at Callum before calmly ending the phone call.

Callum brings him coffee, sometimes, when he also gets himself one. 

“You know,” Ben says one time, a teasing tone to his words, “these aren’t actually allowed in here.”

Callum grins from behind his own cup. “Oh I know, I’ve seen the sign on the door. Why do you think I get you one as well? Got to keep you sweet, haven’t I.”

He somewhat winks at Ben, which ends up as just squeezing both his eyes closed at the same time, but it’s charming nonetheless and Ben grins back at him. 

  
  


What Ben notices, most of all, through weeks of Callum spending time in the library, is how  _ stressed _ he is. Ben’s certain he works too hard. Almost as certain as he is that Callum doesn’t get enough sleep. 

He’s smiley about it though, which is probably how he makes sure no one bothers him about it. And it’s effective, because he’s cute, assuring Ben that he’s fine. 

Callum sighs a couple of times, and Ben can tell it’s not to be funny but he’s actually getting worked up, panicked eyes scrolling through a document. 

“You can take a break you know,” Ben says softly when he walks by.

“Don’t have time,” Callum murmurs back, eyes glued to his screen.

  
  
  


“So what exactly are you studying again?” Ben asks as he peels a tangerine, sitting opposite from Callum’s seat at his usual spot. There’s no one else around, as is often the case, and Callum’s eyes are hastily moving from left to right across his laptop screen.

“Just business… economics something,” Callum says absentmindedly, not taking his eyes off his screen.

“Why?” Ben asks before putting a slice in his mouth.

“I mean, because I need to do something I guess,” Callum sighs, finally looking away for a moment and rubbing his hands over his face.

“You don’t seem too excited about it,” Ben comments after a few seconds of silence and he can see the sharpening in Callum’s face before the biting comment comes.

“Yeah well, I’m not, but I can’t not be doing anything so here we are I guess,” Callum all but snaps, and Ben quickly closes his mouth.

Callum sighs again, deeply, digging the heels of his palms in his eyes in a way that  _ has _ to be painful.

“Sorry.”

Ben waves a hand. “Don’t worry about it, I should keep my nose out.”

Callum hums. “I don’t mind your nose in, I just feel a bit lost with all,” he gestures to his notes, “this.”

Ben huffs a light laugh. “I can imagine, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

Callum stares at his stuff laid out on the table for a good few seconds, a blank expression on his face. “Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m doing this.”

Ben pulls away another slice and hands it to Callum. “Because you’re trying to make something of your life and that’s what everyone does.”

Callum chews as he thinks. “Yeah, I s’pose.”

It’s silent for a while, and a lot more pleasant and a lot less uncomfortable than Ben would have thought.

“I think you’re all set here though, right?” Callum says then, and Ben takes a moment.

“How’d’ya mean?”

Callum shrugs. “I don’t know, when I see you walking around this place it seems like you’ve found something you like to do and you’re good at.”

Ben smiles, almost to himself. He wouldn’t have said it about himself almost a year ago, but he finds himself agreeing with Callum.

Ben stands up, taking his plate of tangerine peels with him. “Don’t work too hard Callum,” he throws over his shoulder. “Yes sir,” Callum replies, and Ben grins even though he can’t see it.

  
  


Callum doesn’t show up then, for a while. A little more than a week passes and he doesn’t come by once. Ben’s not hurt, but something in the back of his mind tugs at him, like he should be worried. Like he has a right to be worried.

Other customers come and go, a few of them sit down to read something. One morning an older man sits down in Callum’s spot and Ben’s already opened his mouth when he closes it again. Don’t be silly.

Mostly, the library just feels kind of big and empty all of a sudden. Which was exactly what Ben had liked about it for the past months. But maybe the small interactions with Callum were also nice, made him feel less alone.

  
  
  


When Callum does return, he looks a little worse for wear.

It’s like the personification of stress walks through the door. Ben swears he can see Callum  _ vibrate _ through a combination of an abundance of caffeine and a lack of sleep. 

And he’s early too. Earlier than he usually arrives. Ben himself has only been there for twenty minutes.

Callum’s not that talkative, which is fine. He gets on with his work and so does Ben.

After half an hour of silence Ben gets up and walks to the backroom, making himself a cup of tea and using the loo. When he returns, he doesn’t see Callum.

Ben puts the tea down on his desk and tries to look around Callum’s open laptop, but he doesn’t see him. Well, he doesn’t see his head, but he can see his legs and feet.

Ben walks over, slowly.

Callum’s asleep. Actually asleep, his cheek pressed against his notebook, one hand curled next to it and the other in his lap. Ben’s only ever seen this happen in films. He’s half expecting the ink from the notebook to have transferred onto Callum’s face if he’d lift his head.   
  


Ben carefully moves some of Callum’s books and his laptop out of the way. The chair next to him has Callum’s coat hanging over its back, and Ben grabs it and gently drapes it over Callum, covering his back and shoulders.

He lets his hand rest in between Callum’s shoulder blades for a few seconds. The hair at the front of his head has fallen into Callum’s eyes and Ben lightly brushes it back. There’s a strong red flush in Callum’s cheek, like a child who has finally fallen asleep after fussing all night. It makes him look more boyish than the usual student look he has about him, and Ben feels his heart swell.

He lets Callum sleep for as long as he can, despite the uncomfortable strain in his neck he will undoubtedly be feeling when he wakes up. It seems like Callum doesn’t get enough hours as it is, so Ben feels like he should let him catch up.    
Ben quietly gets back to work, every now and then looking up from his computer to see Callum’s back softly rising and falling.

He second guesses himself a decent amount of times as Callum sleeps. Should he wake him up? Is it weird not to? 

After an hour and a half, Callum stirs. It’s slow at first, and then he sits up with a small gasp, suddenly awake.

He rubs his eyes with his hands, a small yawn escaping, a frown etched in his forehead. 

Grumpy toddler, Ben thinks.

“How long was I asleep for?” Callum says then, his voice scratchy and deep.

“About an hour and a half.” Ben answers. “You looked like you needed it,” Ben adds a few seconds later.

“Hmm,” Callum hums, stretching his arms above his head. His shirt rides up a little, and Ben averts his eyes when he catches a strip of bare skin.

There’s a deep inhale and then a deep exhale.

“Oh, I’ve got so much work to do,” Callum says, quietly and to himself, but Ben hears it anyway.

He sounds utterly overwhelmed, and Ben finds himself desperately wanting to make it better, even though he can’t and it’s none of his business.

  
  
  
  


He sees Callum more than his own family these days.    
Some of that is intentional;, Ben can’t be around his dad for too long or his head goes off again.

He sees Lexi every day though, after work. He cuddles her close on the sofa after dinner, running a hand over her hair as they watch telly. It’s nice, grounding. The fact that he can feel the warmth in his chest reminds Ben that he’s on the right path. 

He wonders sometimes, what Lexi would think of Callum. 

What Callum would think if he knew Ben had a daughter.

It’s strange to think that even though they’re both a part of his daily life now, those worlds have never collided.

Ben doesn’t even know what Callum looks like outside of the library. 

But the same soft friendliness in Lexi’s eyes is also in Callum’s, and Ben’s sure they would get along. 

Not that they would ever need to.

  
  


The biggest difference is probably that Lexi is a little more carefree. 

To be quite frank, Ben’s never met a more stressed person than Callum Highway. 

It gets worse as the weeks go on, and Ben assumes Callum’s exams are fast approaching. He still makes an effort to be sociable with Ben, cracks a joke here and there but his smile sometimes verges on the edge of pained, lines of exhaustion obvious in his face.

Ben finds himself worrying, more than he probably should. 

He doesn’t  _ want _ it to bother him this much, but he took a job at a library for some peace and quiet in his life and instead the universe dropped an overworked university student who can’t take care of himself in his lap, so what’s he supposed to do?

It’s soon proven to Ben that he was right to be worried.

It’s late in the afternoon, Callum’s been working in the library for hours. 

Ben’s actually weirdly a little proud. Callum’s been focussed and working hard and Ben just wants him to pass his exams and then sleep for a good three months.

Ben makes a quick phone call, calling to let someone know the book they ordered has arrived. As he waits for the phone to be picked up, he hears a small sniffle. He hears it, but doesn’t think anything of it.

Except, through the phone call, it happens a couple of times, and when he’s put the phone down he hears an inhale that doesn’t quite make it all the way.

“Cal?” Ben calls out softly.

Callum looks up at him, teary-eyed and panicked. 

“I can’t do it,” he croaks out, and Ben makes his way over, sitting down at the seat next to him.

“Can’t do what?” Ben asks.

“This, everything,” Callum says, gesturing to the table. His voice is unsteady and his lip wobbles in a way that makes Ben want to pull him close.

“Sorry,” Callum says after he covers his face with his hands, the words muffled against his skin.

“Don’t apologize,” Ben says, placing a hand on Callum’s shoulder.

“Surely this isn’t what you signed up for,” Callum huffs, like he’s annoyed with himself and probably a little embarrassed, and Ben rubs his hand back and forth a little, his thumb moving over Callum’s collarbone.

“Don’t know what you mean, consoling overworked students happens to be why I got into this business in the first place.” Ben keeps his tone light and teasing, and when Callum turns to look at him, eyes still shining with tears but a watery smile on his face, it’s so worth it.

Then Callum sees his work laid out in front of him again, and his face twists up with tension.

“What are you worried about?” Ben asks gently.

“It’s just too much. I don’t have it, I don’t know all the things I need to know and it’s only a matter of time before I fail and have to drop out,” Callum says, the words coming out in a rush.

Callum’s hands won’t stop shaking on the table, and without thinking about it Ben grabs one and holds it in his own.

Callum looks at it for a moment, closes his eyes and hooks his thumb over the back of Ben’s hand.

“Okay so, what can you do about that right now?” Ben asks.

Callum seems to think about it for a bit but he doesn’t answer.

“Is there someone at uni you can talk to about this? Like a guidance counsellor?” Ben tries again, and the resistance in Callum’s face is immediate.

“I don’t want help,” Callum says weakly, and for a moment Ben sees himself, a year ago, sitting at the kitchen table as his mother begs him to go see a therapist.

“I get that,” Ben says, honestly, because he’s not going to pretend it’s fun to have to admit you can’t do something by yourself.

“But you wanna pass right?”

Callum gives a barely there nod.

“All that’s happening right now, is you’re stressed and exhausted and you feel like shit because you can’t see the full picture anymore. And that’s overshadowing everything. But I think sitting down with someone who can walk you through the steps will get you back on track.”

Callum hums in acknowledgement, but he still doesn’t look too sure.

Ben leans in a little closer, Callum’s eyes carefully following his movements.

“Just because you need some help doing something, doesn’t mean you can’t do it at all.”

He squeezes Callum’s hand one more time and then stands up and walks away.

  
  
  
  


Two weeks later, Ben’s decorating a giant Christmas tree. It just got delivered, and it's so tall Ben needs a big ladder to reach all the way to the top.

It’s kind of nice though. The library has a couple of big boxes with ornaments and lights, and Ben can spend an hour quietly hanging everything up.

The top of the tree is much harder to reach, and Ben finds himself wobbling on the ladder a couple of times, struggling to keep his balance. If he falls and breaks his neck…

“I leave the Mitchell family business to go work in a library and this is actually how I’ll die,” Ben mumbles under his breath.

“You need a hand with that?” A voice Ben immediately recognizes asks from behind, and Ben turns around with a grin.

“Why, do I look like I’m struggling?” Ben teases.

Callum presses his lips together to unsuccessfully smother a grin.

“A little, yeah.”

Callum holds the ladder steady as Ben finishes up, and as Ben slowly makes his way back down again.

When he’s on steady ground, he gets a good look at Callum.

He looks good. Better, at the very least. There’s more colour in his face and it seems like he’s got a couple of good night’s sleep.

“Good to see you, it’s been a minute,” Ben says quietly, suddenly kind of shy in the space between them.

Callum huffs a laugh and nods. “Yeah, it has. I’ve been busy.”

Ben feels a little pang in his chest, but he bites down on it, smiling at Callum.

“Well, you seem to be doing better, I’m glad.”

Callum nods at him, and then reaches into his coat pocket.

“Have you got room for one more d’you think?” Callum nods his head towards the tree as he pulls out a small box.

Ben quirks an eyebrow, and Callum wordlessly hands over the box.

Ben opens it carefully, lifting the lid. 

Out comes an ornament, in the shape of a stack of books.

“Can’t have a christmas tree in a library without one of those, right?” Callum says, smiling almost nervously as he watches Ben’s face.

Ben holds it up by its string.

“I, I wanted to thank you,” Callum starts then as Ben watches in awed silence, “that chat we had was the push I needed. I haven’t been here because I’ve been studying with my guidance counsellor, and I had my exams last week.”

Ben feels breathless.    
“They went really well.”

Callum smiles again, soft and warm and all of it for Ben. 

“Also, my guidance counsellor suggested the librarian I kept mentioning was distracting me too much, so I thought it might be best to finish my studying at home.”

Callum's smile turns teasing, daring, and Ben feels his chest constrict with the heat in Callum’s gaze. 

Ben places the ornament back in its box and puts the box down on the ladder.

“ _ I’m _ distracting? You’re the one always bringing me coffee and telling me stupid jokes.”

Callum tilts head. “Who said I was talking about you?” 

Ben’s face drops, and he quickly rolls his eyes, but before he can turn away and run, Callum’s hands are on either side of his face.

“I’ll stop being mean and just kiss you now, okay?” His voice is soft and he’s so close that Ben can almost feel it rumble against him. Callum’s eyes are soft and fond and not scared, like he knew they’d eventually end up here, and Ben wants to curl himself up in the warmth of it.

“Okay,” Ben says stupidly, nodding his head held by Callum, but Callum just grins, a low, “good,” before he leans in and kisses him.

It’s slow and warm and Ben pushes himself closer. The moment Callum takes his hands off of Ben’s face he grabs them, pulls Callum’s arms around his own waist and uses it to curl in further. 

He winds his own arms around Callum’s neck, thankful for the support as he feels more and more lightheaded. Callum’s arms squeeze around his lower back and Ben’s stomach swirls, something unusually soft bubbling up in his chest. 

Ben leans his forehead against Callum, a flush colouring his cheeks. He’s only slightly embarrassed by his chest heaving up and down. It’s been a while since he’s been out of breath from kissing someone this much.

He places his hands on Callum’s upper arms, taking a moment to look at Callum and see the same giddy smile he’s probably wearing himself. 

Ben huffs a laugh, leaning back and then letting his face drop against Callum’s chest.

He can hear and feel Callum’s laugh rumbling as he pulls him closer.

  
  


It’s a couple of weeks later when Callum comes rushing in.

Ben looks at him expectantly. “Yes?”

Callum grins. 

“I passed.”

Ben laughs a punched out sound. “You-”

He walks closer and throws his arms around Callum’s neck.

“I knew you could do it! I knew it!” Ben says as he pulls back, placing small kisses on Callum’s face even as he protests and wrinkles his nose.

Ben cups his hands around Callum’s face. “I’m so proud of you.”

Callum’s face melts into something sentimental and soft and Ben leans in and kisses him.

He pushes a hand into Callum’s hair, having learnt from the past weeks and being rewarded by a pleased sound from Callum.

Callum’s gently biting at his lips and Ben tries to push down the spike of heat in his gut. 

He pulls back a little but Callum takes that opportunity to kiss down his neck, across his jawline. 

Callum tugs on his hand, leading Ben further into the library before pulling him into the last row of bookcases. It’s a little darker, and you’re completely hidden away from view.

Callum grins at him before placing both hands on Ben’s shoulders and pushing him against the bookcase.

“Oi, I’ve sorted all those, you know,” Ben mumbles, eyes closing as Callum’s mouth moves over his neck. It’s embarrassing how fast he can feel his jeans grow tight when Callum’s tongue sucks a patch of skin into his mouth. 

Ben shakily exhales, a hand on Callum’s back to steady himself. 

He pulls Callum’s face back up to his, kissing him, curling his tongue into his mouth and he feels Callum’s fingers tighten their grip on his hips.

“Oh fuck,” Ben breathes as Callum starts unbuttoning his shirt, slowly, kissing on every newly exposed patch of skin he finds.

“I’m becoming everything I hate,” Ben says, even with his eyes closed and a hand twisted in Callum’s hair.

Callum looks up, head hovering near Ben’s chest, an amused look on his face.

“What, you thought you were the first one wanting to have sex in a library? I’ve had to kick people out before, you know.”

Callum laughs and shakes his head, placing a kiss to Ben’s chest before getting back up and buttoning him up again.

“I wasn’t planning on going so far as to get a ban for life, mind,” Callum says, adjusting Ben’s collar. “Maybe I just wanted to make you feel good,” Callum shrugs casually, and Ben grins.

“Well, I didn’t say you had to stop.”

“Well,” Callum says in the same tone Ben just used, patting his cheek, “you’ve put me off now. I’m not in the mood.”

Ben rolls his eyes and, even though he’d never admit it out loud, pouts a little, and after a while Callum takes pity on him and laughs.

“Listen,” Callum says, one hand on Ben’s cheek, his face serious, “we’ve got time, don’t we? No need to rush. All good things will come.”

Ben gives him an amused look. “Yeah, they will.”

Callum realises a second too late but smiles nonetheless. 

“Shut up,” he whispers before kissing Ben again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**EPILOGUE**

So much can change in a year. Or a few years.

Ben’s learnt that the hard way. 

But, as he’s looking at Callum, sitting on a stage in a suit that looks wonderful on him, Ben’s pretty sure it’s been worth it.

“There he is!” Lexi whispers to Ben from her place on his lap, reading Callum’s name on the big projector screen.

Ben squeezes her tight as they listen to one of Callum’s professors talk about him.

He watches Callum closely, the tips of his ears dipped red. He’s nervous, Ben knows that, but he’s also not that good with praise.

“Well tough,” Ben had told him when he’d seen him just before the ceremony, straightening his tie, “because you deserve it. You worked so hard, and now you’re graduating. Suck it up.”

Callum looks down a couple of times when he can’t bear the compliments, but then he catches Ben’s eyes, and he knows it’s alright.

Before he knows it, Ben’s clapping, and so is everyone else. Lexi’s the loudest by a mile, and Callum looks at her when he hears her cheer. He gives her a wink, which he still can’t properly do, and she blows him a kiss which he pretends to catch.

Ben had been spot on about them getting along.

Callum gets handed his diploma, and Ben quickly takes his cellphone out to snap a picture, despite a professional photographer being present. 

Afterwards, they stand in the hallway, a glass of champagne in hand. 

Callum has Lexi on his hip, telling her how her hair looks beautiful and “is that specially for me?”

Ben looks at them from over the rim of his glass, how easy they talk, how good they are for each other, how happy they make each other and he has to look away when he feels a prickle behind his eyes, his chest full.

Lexi’s spotted candy on a different table so she’s run off, and Callum immediately snakes a hand on Ben’s lower back.

“You okay?” he asks, brushing a thumb under Ben’s eye, and Ben blinks a couple of times.

“Yeah,” Ben says, smiling, pulling Callum close to him and kissing his cheek, “I’m brilliant.”

“I’m happy.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhh i managed to get out a somewhat christmassy fic somewhat around christmas time waheyyy!  
> wasn't easy and haven't been feeling great about my writing but really hope you enjoy it nonetheless! really excited and curious to know your thoughts, please leave me a comment to let me know!
> 
> as always, you can also find me on [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
